Untethering Myself From The Voice In My Head

I never wanted to live inside my head.

For some reason, that’s where I’ve always found myself.

Getting lost in the internal chatter. 

Michael A. Singer changed my understanding of that voice with his book, The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself.  

Singer’s book taught me that the voice isn’t me, but I create it and listen to it so I can feel more in control. This insight helped me shift my response to it.

We Are Not The Voice Inside Our Head

I can hear it right now.

That inner voice that yanks us out of the present moment. Makes us doubt ourselves. Sends us spiraling downward into worry. Other times, it may even help us feel okay.

And it just keeps going. It. Never. Stops. Talking.

It’s easy to get caught up in listening to what it says.

Why are you doing this? Just give up. You know, there’s no point, right? You’re not worthy. This is going to take you so long. This isn’t good. Do better. You’ll never make it. You have so much to do. This isn’t important. You’re running out of time. Hurry up. 

Exhausting, isn't it?

Singer explains why it doesn’t matter what that voice says: 

“Don’t think about it; just notice it. No matter what the voice is saying, it’s all the same. It doesn’t matter if it’s saying nice things or mean things, worldly things or spiritual things.

 It doesn’t matter because it’s still just a voice talking inside your head. 

In fact, the only way to get your distance from the voice is stop differentiating what it’s saying. Stop feeling that one thing it says is you and the other thing it says is not you. 

If you’re hearing it talk, it’s obviously not you.”

I’ve wasted so much time trying to figure out what part of that voice was me, trying to decide what was worth listening to and what needed to be tuned out. 

Reading these words made me realize the thoughts in my head weren’t me.

None of them are me.

This forced me to take a step back and ask myself:

If the voice in my head isn’t me, why the hell am I listening? 

The Voice Is There For A Reason

I felt embarrassed for spending so much time and energy getting lost in a voice that wasn’t even mine. 

But understanding why the voice existed helped me understand myself better.

Singer’s explanation for all the inner chatter?

“You will come to see that the mind talks all the time because you gave it a job to do. You use it as a protection mechanism, a form of defense. 

Ultimately, it makes you feel more secure. As long as that’s what you want, you will be forced to constantly use your mind to buffer yourself from life, instead of living it.”

This is important. We have zero control over the outside world. That’s scary.  

So what do we do? 

We use our thoughts to create an inner world that we can have some control over.

It’s like when I’m having a conversation with someone and suddenly, things get super awkward. The inner voice strikes and tries to create a way to make me feel more in control. 

This is awkward. Do they feel awkward? I feel awkward. It’s okay, it’s almost over. 

By saying this, the inner voice re-creates the world inside the mind. Maybe I can’t do something to make the situation less awkward, but the voice in my head can make me feel better by saying “it’s almost over.”

Using this inner voice as a protection mechanism immediately made sense to me. Of course, my mind won’t shut up, I’m just trying to help myself feel safe by giving myself a sense of control.

Instead of feeling crazy or judging myself for the constant inner chatter, I learned to show myself much needed compassion.

The world around me will continue to unfold in ways that feel unsafe and uncomfortable no matter what. But I can’t live inside my head forever to avoid that. 

Stop Spending Time With Our Inner Roommate

To get objective about our inner voice, Singer says it helps to think of it as a roommate. 

“What you’ll notice is that you’re watching a human being’s personality with all its strengths and weaknesses. It’s as though there’s somebody in there with you. You might actually say you have a “roommate.”

By doing this, we create a separation and stop identifying with this inner voice. We can start to see it as a whole other person. Sometimes this person sucks.

Yes, sometimes my inner roommate tries to help me feel safe, but it’s also annoying, mean, and draining. 

Who on earth would want to be around that kind of person? When I imagine my inner roommate as a real person, there’s absolutely no way I would hang out with them, or listen to what they have to say. So I don’t.

Thinking of the voice in my head as an inner roommate changed my life.

Now when I notice my thoughts, it’s easier to detach myself from them. Instead, I notice them come and let them go. Being better at allowing them to flow helps me be less paralyzed by them, and more present in the world.

There are times when I still find myself listening to that voice. The familiarity pulls me in.

Eventually, I remember it’s not me. It’s my inner roommate and I don’t have to listen to what it says.

And that’s true for all of us.

A special thank you to Matthew Villwock, Chris Wong, and Karaminder for their valuable feedback on this essay.